Time

I've got my hot chocolate next to me.  The electric blanket is getting ready for me next door.  But it's one of those days where I wish the blanket had eyes.  Cause I'm so chatty!  I could talk the hind leg off a horse right about now.

So, the alternative is to light up the gas heater, put on my sweater and embrace the fact that it's getting bloody cold out here.   It's been raining for a few hours.  I pray it keeps up and makes it almost impossible to work out at 6am.  See, insomnia, she's unapologetic about her interruptions.   You either embrace her or you hate her.  Hating takes way more energy than I can give right now, so here I am.

I've been thinking about "time" lately.  How I spend it, and with whom.  I've been spending a lot of time with mom.  It's beautiful, it's frightening, it's fulfilling, it's frustrating.  It's clear to both of us how important it is to spend time with each other, and you can only come to this conclusion when you do the deed, not just by talking about it.  It's ironic that since moving to a city 2 hours plane ride away, I actually spend more time with my mother now more than ever.  But I feel more like the mother.  I'm the caretaker and leader.  When did this happen, and who the hell approved it?

I watch this frail woman and wonder how I could have possibly have thought of her as the giant I did.  She's tiny!  I know I know, coming from me that might seem rich.  But really, I think I liked it better when she was in charge.  Actually I don't mean that. I felt powerless as a child, and I never want to feel like that again.  The reason I'm so frustrated that my new scanner is not feeling me is that I've got all these pictures of my family that I'm desperate to work with.  They are borrowed from my mother and I'm their temporary custodian.  I think it's rude not to return pictures to their owners, but this new technology is kicking my ass, so mama has to wait. 

Watching my mother, I've grown to respect and even fear old age.  It's much more lonely than most of us realize, and it seems like the older you get, the less in your power it is to determine how alone or not alone you choose to be.  The children and grandkids always promise to visit more than they ever do, and on the flip side you may be forced to live in a situation that may not be of your choosing.  The sicker you are, the less power you have.  Control freak-ness aside, that's a frightening thought. 

As a kid my mother was a tower of strength.  She was indomitable:  to my brother and my eternal mortification, even during apartheid times where it was a given that white is right - if slighted, she had no qualms about fighting with white cashiers.  A particular high (or low), depending on where you sit, was when she called a white woman who had cut in front of her in a line a "rooinek".  I remember leaving the store the in a huff and a puff, and her hand was particularly high and jerky than normal.  She always held my hand, and her mood used to determine the pace of our stride.

Even though I often feel she told me too much, too young, I realise more and more how little I really know about my mother.  I may have heard the stories she tells a million times, but the subtext is all in the detail.  I listen more and critisize less when I'm with mom, and I like that about me.

I wish I could be like that with everybody.

You choose every day who you spend time with.  For me, it's not good enough just to intend to spend time with someone. I'm embarrassed by how many cancellations I'm actually responsible for,  but when it comes down to the wire, I find that I only spend time with people I want to or feel compelled to spend time with.  The latter feels so wasteful, but it's just pure business sense.  If I had all the gold in Jo'burg I'd probably feel differently, but I don't right now.

By the way, it's still raining:)